Don Corneo has an Ugly Face
by Carbuncle
Summary: A couple from Mideel move into Don Corneo's mansion, and throw a party for their new neighbours (who include Cloud and friends). All is well, until Don Corneo, who was thought to be dead, returns to continue his reign of terror in Wall Market.


FINAL FANTASY VII   
  
Don Corneo has an Ugly Face aka The Panickasses Move In   
  
(Open to Wall Market. An estate agent and a couple are outside Don Corneo's mansion. A "For Sale" sign has been set up near the front doors)   
Mr. Estate: As you can see, the mansion is in excellent condition and is well worth the 100,000 asking price.   
Man: It's very nice, I agree, but are you sure it's okay to sell this place?   
Mr. Estate: What do you mean, sir?   
Man: Well, my wife and I are originally from New Mideel*, and we heard that the guy who used to own this mansion was (gulps) the sick, perverted, bastard... Don Corneo.   
Mr. Estate: Uh, yes, true, true.   
Woman: Are you sure that Mr. Corneo actually wants to sell up? I mean, I heard he worked hard for this place.   
Mr. Estate: Mr. and Mrs. Panickass, I can assure you Mr. Corneo would not mind.   
Mr. Panickass: What makes you so darn sure?   
Mr. Estate: ...because he's dead. (dramatic music)   
Mrs. Panickass: D-D-Dead?!   
Mr. Panickass: Good lord! Wh-What in God's name happened to him?!   
Mr. Estate: Five years ago Mr. Corneo tried to kill the world's sexiest RPG characters, Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart and Aeris Gainsborough. His numerous attempts to end their lives failed miserably, and it all came to a stop in the resort town of Wutai, where he fell to his death from the cliffs of Da-Chao, and has never been seen since.   
Mr. Panickass: ...my God. That's incredible.   
Mr. Estate: There are rumors that he did infact survive the fall, but his body was never found, so I think you folks can rest easy at night. He's obviously dead.   
Mrs. Panickass: But surely if his body was never found, then there's a good chance he could still be alive out there.   
Mr. Estate: (laughs) Oh, you're so naive, Mrs. Panickass. The fact that the body was never found merely proves that Mr. Corneo most likely tumbled into a small crevice in the mountains, and never surfaced again.   
Mr. Panickass: ...   
Mrs. Panickass: ...   
Mr. Estate: So, do you want the mansion or not? I have other customers who are most interested.   
Mr. Panickass: What do you think, honey?   
Mrs. Panickass: Well... all right. We'll take it, I guess. As long as it's okay with you, baby?   
Mr. Panickass: Oh, yes, fine with me.   
Mrs. Panickass: Then it's fine with me, also.   
Mr. Estate: Fantastic! Let's make a deal. (gets out his book and pen; pan into the dark shadows to reveal that someone is watching them)   
  
(Cut to Don Corneo's mansion. The couple are in the main hall. Removal men carry furniture back and forth)   
Mr. Panickass: It's all ours, honey! You're happy we made the move?   
Mrs. Panickass: Oh, yes, very happy, baby! (to the removal men) Hey, be careful with that couch - it belonged to my mother's best friend's sister's husband's father!   
Mr. Panickass: (admires the hall) Just think of the parties we could throw here... hey, how about we throw one tomorrow night?   
Mrs. Panickass: Oh, I don't know...   
Mr. Panickass: Aw, come on, honey. It'd be a great way to get to know our new neighbours, and get really drunk in the meantime.   
Mrs. Panickass: Well... all right. We'll throw a party, I guess.   
Mr. Panickass: As long as it's okay with you, honey.   
Mrs. Panickass: Oh, yes, fine with me.   
Mr. Panickass: Good. It's settled then. Tomorrow night we throw a party.   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the next day. Cloud looks through the mail)   
Cloud: Bill... bill... bill... invitation to a party... bill... huh?! Invitation to a party?! (rips open the envelope and reads briefly) Aw, how nice. (Tifa walks in) Hey Tifa, we've been invited to a party tonight.   
Tifa: Really? Whose party?   
Cloud: Some new folks who've just moved into Don Corneo's mansion.   
Tifa: Don Corneo sold his mansion? Oh, I had no idea.   
Cloud: Yeah, it's been on the market for the last four years. I'm surprised you didn't notice.   
Tifa: Well, I rarely go up there as much as Aeris. (Aeris walks in)   
Aeris: What's this about Aeris?   
Cloud: Aeris, I want you to put on your best dress tonight. We've been invited to a party.   
Aeris: Really? Whose party?   
Cloud: Some new folks who've just moved into Don Corneo's mansion.   
Aeris: So it's finally been taken off the market then... Good for him. Barrett will be pleased; he's always hated Don Corneo. (Barrett walks in)   
Barrett: What's this about Barrett?   
Cloud: Barrett, wear somethin' hot tonight. We're going to a party.   
Barrett: Really? Whose party?   
Cloud: Some folks who've--oh, wait. I'm not going through this again.   
  
(Cut to Wall Market, that night. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett walk into Don Corneo's mansion. The Panickasses are there to greet them)   
Mr. Panickass: Hello, and welcome to our home.   
Cloud: Hi, you must be the new neighbours. (sticks out his hand) I'm Cloud Strife.   
Mr. Panickass: Well, I'm very pleased to meet you- (takes Cloud's hand and screams) -ahh! What the heck was that?! You got one of those electric buzzers on or something, boy?!   
Cloud: (shows his hand) ...no.   
Tifa: Now that IS scary!   
Mrs. Panickass: Please help yourself to food and drink. If you need anything, then please don't hesitate to ask.   
Cloud: Where's your bathroom?   
Mrs. Panickass: Upstairs, first on the left.   
Cloud: Okay, thanks. And where's your bedroom?   
Mrs. Panickass: (confused) ...upstairs, through the main doors.   
Cloud: Okay... and kitchen?   
Mrs. Panickass: Down the hall, first right.   
Cloud: Great, that's all the important rooms memorised. Thanks a lot. (goes off for a drink)   
Mrs. Panickass: ...nice guy.   
Mr. Panickass: Yeah.   
Cloud: So, whaddya think of the newbies, Barrett?   
Barrett: There's somethin' about 'em I don't like...   
Cloud: Oh, there's something about everyone that you don't like!   
  
(Cut to the No.1 Reactor. Cloud and Barrett are there)   
Barrett: Ex-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya!   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett and Tifa are there. She serves him his lunch)   
Barrett: (inspects the food) Again with the ketchup! Ya know I don't like ketchup on my fries! I hate it when you do this, Tifa!   
  
(Cut to the Sector 5 Slums. Barrett and Aeris are there. Aeris has a basket of flowers)   
Barrett: For the last time, Aeris - I don' wanna buy no goddamn flower! Stop buggin' me all the damn time!   
  
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ. Barrett and Red XIII are trapped together in their cell)   
Barrett: (sniffs) Huh? Wha's that smell? (looks over to see a French biscuit on the floor) Aw Red XIII, did ya have to bend one o' those in here?!   
  
(Cut to Wutai. Barrett and Yuffie are in the Turtles Paradise)   
Barrett: Somethin' feels weird... did you take my materia again, missy?   
Yuffie: (stuffs some materia into her shorts) Uh... no.   
Barrett: Damn again! Why'd ya always be lyin'?!   
  
(Cut to the Gold Saucer. Cloud, Barrett and Cait Sith are there)   
Barrett: Kidnap my daughter, would ya?! I'll tear ya a new eyebrow, spy!   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett and Cid are there, having a drinking competition)   
Cid: Okay, one, two, three! (he and Barrett both drink their beers; Cid finishes first) There! I win!   
Barrett: The hell're ya doin'?! It was my time to win this time!! I ain't playin' this game anymore, dickhole!   
  
(Cut to Nibelheim. Barrett and Vincent are there)   
Barrett: ...I just plain don't like you.   
  
(Cut back to Don Corneo's mansion)   
Tifa: Why on earth would anyone want to emigrate from a lovely, sunny town like New Mideel to a dump like Midgar?   
Mrs. Panickass: We didn't want to move, but my husband was offered this really good job and well, we had no choice, I guess.   
Tifa: So what line of work is your husband in?   
Mrs. Panickass: Oh, he's in computers. His new job is with the Shin-Ra. They needed a new debugger at their HQ, so...   
Aeris: You do know that the owner of this mansion used to own a brothel, don't you?   
Mrs. Panickass: Yes, I also know the owner of this mansion used to have his wicked way with dirty sluts here too.   
Aeris: ...was that a dig at me? (pan over to Cloud, Barrett and Mr. Panickass)   
Cloud: Like I was sayin', there's this really cool brothel in town where guys like us clean up, lemme tell you. We could ditch this party and get ourselves some action, if ya know what I mean. Heh heh heh...   
Mr. Panickass: Uh, it may have escaped your notice, but I'm married.   
Cloud: So are most of the girls in the brothel, but hey, that doesn't stop them!   
Mr. Panickass: Um, I think my wife's calling me...   
Cloud: No she isn't. I'm not deaf, y'know.   
Mr. Panickass: ...   
Barrett: Got anymore beer?   
Mr. Panickass: Uh, yes! Wh-Why don't I just go get one for you? (walks over to his wife)   
Mrs. Panickass: (to Aeris) Yeah, I hate it when that happens too.   
Mr. Panickass: Honey, could I have a word in private?   
Mrs. Panickass: Oh God yes! (walks over to the corner of the room with her husband)   
Mr. Panickass: Honey, I-I think we should call it a night now, if it's all right with you?   
Mrs. Panickass: I know what you mean, baby! These people are beyond help! They're so... city-like.   
Mr. Panickass: I have to agree. That Cloud Strife over there is a complete headcase. I'd feel much better if they all left.   
Mrs. Panickass: Absolutely.   
  
(Cut to Wall Market. Some people leave Don Corneo's mansion. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett and Aeris are among them. The Panickasses walk out with them)   
Cloud: Thanks for the party, guys. It's gotta be the shortest one I've ever been to, but thanks all the same.   
Mr. Panickass: Yes, well, uh, thank you all for coming, too. It... It was nice to meet you all.   
Tifa: We'd love to see you over in 7th Heaven sometime. You know how to get to the Sector 7 Slums, right?   
Mrs. Panickass: S-Sure, we'll be there. You can count on it.   
Mr. Panickass: (quietly) Yeah, and bandersnatch'll fly! (loudly) G'night everyone! (the crowds of people, and the party, finally leave) Phew! Remind me never to throw a party ever again!   
Mrs. Panickass: Oh come on, baby, they weren't that bad, were they?   
Mr. Panickass: Honey, you're just too darn nice. (they both walk back into the mansion)   
  
(Cut to Don Corneo's mansion)   
Mr. Panickass: (sighs) Look at this mess... it's gonna take forever to clean it all up.   
Mrs. Panickass: I'll do it in the morning, baby. Let's just go to bed and christen our new bedroom.   
Mr. Panickass: ...I-I don't think I've got any condoms.   
Mrs. Panickass: You don't? (pause) Oh... gosh, that's too bad then. (the doorbell rings)   
Mr. Panickass: Lord, who could this be at this time of night?! (opens the door) Hello? (Don Corneo is at the door; his clothes are torn and he looks a mess)   
Don Corneo: So... you're the folks who've bought me out of house and home, huh?   
Mr. Panickass: Excuse me?   
Don Corneo: ...don't you even know who I am?   
Mr. Panickass: ...Dad? Boy, you look rough!   
Don Corneo: No, I'm not your dad, doofus! I'm Don Corneo! (dramatic music; the couple stare at him in silence) THE Don Corneo! (dramatic music; the couple stare at him in silence) Th-The fella who dropped to his supposed death five years ago...   
Mr. Panickass: Oh! THAT Don Corneo! Right! Sorry about that! I just... you know... (nervous laugh)   
Don Corneo: This is my mansion you've moved into, and I want your sorry butts outta here right now!   
Mr. Panickass: (gulps) Uh...   
Don Corneo: I'm a reasonable guy. I'll give you till tomorrow afternoon to shift your stuff and get outta here. If not, then I'm afraid I'll have to kill you both.   
Mr. Panickass: Oh... that's bad, isn't it, honey?   
Mrs. Panickass: Yes, I believe it is.   
Mr. Panickass: We-We'll be out of your hair by tomorrow, sir.   
Don Corneo: See that you are! (pause) Oh, and uh, I don't suppose I could crash here tonight, could I? You wouldn't believe the price of hotels in the Slums these days!   
Mrs. Panickass: I-I'll make up the spare room.   
Don Corneo: No, don't bother. I'll have your room. (walks upstairs)   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the next day. Cloud looks through the mail)   
Cloud: Bill... bill... bill... invitation to a party... bill... huh?! Invitation to a party?! (pause) Oh, this is yesterday's mail... (Tifa walks in) Tifa, how's about last night's party, huh? Pretty cool, wasn't it?   
Tifa: It was okay, I guess. It was better than that party at Vincent's last month.   
  
(Cut to the Shin-Ra Mansion in Nibelheim. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Cid, Reno, Rude, Elena and Vincent are in the dark basement. There are no lights on and the whole room is quiet)   
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven)   
Cloud: It was his first time hostin' a party. Go easy on him. I remember the first party I ever set up.   
  
(Cut to Nibelheim, Cloud's youth. Fourteen year old Cloud is in his living room with his mother)   
Cloud: Mom, please, all my friends are gonna be here any minute for the party! Can you please leave now, please?!   
Ms. Strife: All right, snookums. But promise me you'll try and get a girl pregnant tonight.   
Cloud: Mom?!   
Ms. Strife: An older girl... yes, that would be the perfect type for you. How about the one with big knockers, you like her right?   
Cloud: Mom, please! You're embarrassin' me in front of no one!   
Ms. Strife: (laughs) All right, sweetie. I'm going. I'll see you later, and... here, take these. (hands him some tablets)   
Cloud: Huh? What're these for?   
Ms. Strife: Just slip them into a girl's drink. I guarantee she'll be yours for the rest of the night then.   
Cloud: Mom!!   
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven)   
Tifa: Yes, mothers can be quite the chore, can't they?   
  
(Cut to Wall Market. Mr. and Mrs. Panickass are outside Don Corneo's mansion. Cloud approaches)   
Cloud: Hey guys! You're up bright 'n' early! Soakin' up the sights of Wall Market, huh? Yeah, it's a great place... 'cept for the gym.   
Mr. Panickass: Actually, uh, Cloud, wasn't it? My wife and I have, um, decided to move out.   
Cloud: What? Why the hell for? You like it here, don't you?   
Mrs. Panickass: Oh, yes, we love it here, but, um... certain complications have arouse.   
Cloud: So you're moving out? Where's your furniture and stuff?   
Mrs. Panickass: It's... sort of still inside the house.   
Cloud: ????   
Mr. Panickass: Well, let's go, honey. We can catch the next train out of town if we hurry.   
Cloud: Wait, wait, wait... this doesn't make any sense. Didn't you say you had a great job opportunity here? Why the heck would you suddenly just decide to pack up and leave? (Don Corneo walks out of the front door in his usual attire) Don Corneo?!?!   
Don Corneo: Well, well, well... if it isn't Cloud Strife! Long time no see, spikey!   
Cloud: Shut up! What the hell're you doin' back here?! I thought you were dead!   
Don Corneo: Dead?! No, I'm very much alive, as you can see.   
Cloud: (to the Panickasses) Is this the reason you're moving out?   
Mr. Panickass: It-It might be... There're lots of reasons really...   
Cloud: Don't give me that crap! He's thrown you out on the streets, hasn't he? I know how his type work, believe me!   
Mrs. Panickass: We-We didn't want any trouble.   
Cloud: Shut up! You guys should change your names to the Pushovers! Why didn't you stand up to him?! You bought this mansion fair and square... (worried) ...didn't you?   
Mr. Panickass: Oh yeah.   
Cloud: Then that means you're entitled to live there for as long as you want.   
Mr. Panickass: I guess so...   
Cloud: There's no "guess so" about it. This place is rightfully yours.   
Don Corneo: No, it isn't. It's rightfully mine. It's always been mine, and it'll always be mine.   
Cloud: Get a grip, Corneo! This place belongs to the Panickasses... Panickasses?! Weird name, dudes...   
Don Corneo: Listen, I've had enough of this crap! One question before this conversation comes to an end: why do you think I decided to come back here to Wall Market?   
A) Because you wanted to continue your reign of terror on the people of this town   
B) Because you didn't have anywhere else to go   
C) Because you wanted to try and bed Tifa this time instead of Aeris   
Cloud: Because you wanted to continue your reign of terror on the people of this town.   
Don Corneo: Hmm... correct! You have been practisin', sonny! I would have accepted answer C too, just so you know.   
Cloud: No one wants you here, Corneo! Why don't you just go off somewhere and die?   
Don Corneo: Silence! Enough!   
Cloud: ...   
Don Corneo: You pathetic AVALANCHE scum... You cannot get rid of me with your stupid threats. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in dire need of a hot shower. (walks back in and closes the doors)   
Cloud: Dammit...   
Mr. Panickass: Come on, honey. Let's go.   
Cloud: No, wait, you can't leave!   
Mr. Panickass: Well there's little else we can do. There's no way he's gonna let us move back into the mansion. We might aswell go back to New Mideel.   
Cloud: No way! You just got here! And despite your stuffy attitudes, I kinda like you guys.   
Mrs. Panickass: ...thanks?   
Cloud: I'll take care of Corneo for you. You'll be back in that place before you can say materia.   
Mr. Panickass: ...materia.   
Mrs. Panickass: I believe we're still not inside the mansion.   
Cloud: ...   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven. Tifa is behind the bar. Barrett and Aeris are sitting at the table. Cloud and the Panickasses walk in)   
Barrett: Hey, it's the dudes from last night. What up, homies?   
Tifa: Cloud, wh-why didn't you let me know we were having company for dinner? I would have made extra. (to the Panickasses) Sorry, I'm... I'm not usually this disorganised.   
Cloud: The Panickasses'll be staying with us for a while.   
Barrett: What's wrong? Trouble at the mansion?   
Cloud: (to the Panickasses) Why don't you guys help yourself to a drink at the bar?   
Mr. Panickass: Ooh, only if you have orange juice.   
Cloud: ...sure, there's orange juice. (the Panickasses walk over to the bar) You guys, bad news!   
Barrett: What?   
Cloud: Don Corneo's back, and he's kicked the Panickasses out of the mansion and moved back inside!   
Tifa: What?!   
Aeris: What?!   
Barrett: What?!   
Cloud: Yeah, yeah, only one of you have to say it, all right?   
Aeris: Does this mean the Don's gonna be on a whore hunt again?   
Cloud: Probably. How the hell should I know?! And what sort of a question is that?!   
Aeris: ...   
Cloud: The Panickasses are gonna move back to New Mideel if we don't get rid of Corneo. We can't let them leave us, guys. We're gonna have to get rid of Corneo somehow.   
Tifa: Look, Corneo doesn't own the mansion now, does he? The Panickasses have bought it, so technically, it's theirs. I don't see what the big deal is.   
Barrett: Neither do I. They shouldn't let that pervert push 'em around like this.   
Cloud: I've already said all this to them, but these people are obviously freaks.   
Aeris: Then why are we helping them?   
Cloud: Because that's the honourable thing to do! Christ, don't you guys ever think of anyone other than yourselves?!   
Tifa: Maybe it's best if the Panickasses left anyway. I mean, they haven't even got contracts. And besides, can you honestly imagine anyone other than Don Corneo living in the Wall Market mansion?   
Cloud: I guess not... but Don Corneo is a dick.   
Aeris: I hate to see you upset, Cloud. I'll go talk to the Don and see if I can... persuade him to change his mind and let the Panickasses move back in.   
Cloud: Are you sure that's wise? You don't know what that guy's capable of, Aeris. I don't think it's a good idea to visit him alone.   
Aeris: Don't worry about me! I'm just gonna talk to him, that's all. I'll be fine!   
  
(Cut to Don Corneo's mansion. Aeris is strapped to the table in the basement. Don Corneo is with her)   
Don Corneo: Heh heh heh!   
Aeris: Fu-Fu... be nice, Don!   
Don Corneo: I'm gonna enjoy this, my pretty!   
Aeris: Wh-What're you gonna do to me?!   
Don Corneo: I'll give you what you deserve, you worthless woman!   
Aeris: Worthless?!   
Don Corneo: You've got a nerve tryin' to make me change my mind about those jackasses who moved in while I was away... I'm gonna electrify you!   
Aeris: I don't wanna be sexually abused! Lemme go!   
Don Corneo: Sexually abused?! What the hell're you talkin' about?! I'm gonna send 30,000 volts of electricity through your body!   
Aeris: Huh?! (eyes widen) Wha?! (Don Corneo throws a switch, which electrocutes Aeris on the table)   
Don Corneo: Ha ha! See you in hell, cutie! (Aeris finally dies; smoke fizzes from her body) Ooh, my electricity bill will be through the roof at this rate! (turns off the switch) That's better!   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven)   
Tifa: (gasps) I have the strangest feeling that something's wrong...   
Cloud: Eh, it's probably nothing! (notices the Panickasses trying to leave) Hey, where're you guys going?   
Mr. Panickass: I'm sorry, Cloud. We wanted to leave without a fuss... My wife and I have thought about it and we think it would be best if we went back to New Mideel.   
Cloud: What? No! We can get the mansion back from Corneo! Aeris won't let us down!   
Mrs. Panickass: We're not worried about that anymore. Maybe this was a sign. Perhaps it was fate that Don Corneo came back. I guess... I guess city life just isn't for us.   
Cloud: ...   
Mr. Panickass: I, uh, used your phone to book the airline tickets. I hope you don't mind.   
Tifa: No, that's... that's fine.   
Cloud: So this is it? You're really leaving?   
Mr. Panickass: Don't be too sad, Cloud. We can keep in touch. My e-mail is carbuncle_dude@yahoo.co.uk   
Mrs. Panickass: Yes, and look us up if you're ever in New Mideel.   
Cloud: ...   
Mr. Panickass: Good-bye everyone. Thank you for everything.   
Mrs. Panickass: Yeah, you know, we actually thought you people were pretty weird when we first met, but you know, you're okay in our books. (she and her husband leave)   
Cloud: ...   
Barrett: ...   
Tifa: ...   
Cloud: ...they thought we were weird??   
Barrett: Goddamn, those guys sucked ass!   
Cloud: Yeah!   
Tifa: ...and they can pay back their share of the phone bill, too! What was his e-mail again?   
  
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THE END__________   
  
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*Mideel is called 'New Mideel' in my fics, since the town was destroyed by the Lifestream, and moved five miles down the forest.


End file.
